I wonder how many people beat themselves up over Matthew 5:28: “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (NIV)
Was Jesus saying that it’s the same for a man to look at a woman and think she’s hot as it is to have sex with her? I don’t think that’s what he meant, and I think that’s dangerous thinking.
I’m a married woman with eyes and desires. Getting married didn’t all of a sudden make me not notice when a guy is attractive. But I think there’s an important difference between having a thought or feeling and entertaining that thought or feeling.
Should we feel guilty when we look at someone and think, “Wow, he’s a babe”? What about enjoying the feeling we get an attractive person gives us attention? I say we shouldn't feel guilty. It’s natural. There is a gap between a thought and a fantasy. Between a feeling and indulgence. But it can be difficult to know where that line is. It's easier to know when we are walking in step with the Spirit. But if we have quenched the Spirit's voice, lines of sin easily become blurred as if we are in a fog.
Being tempted isn’t a sin. How do we know? Because Jesus was tempted, and he never sinned. But temptation can be powerful. It can be hard to stop once we give into it just a little bit.
I think one of the best ways to resist temptation is to acknowledge it without self-judgment. I know that’s the opposite of what a lot of us do. Usually we’ll have a thought or an interaction and we’ll beat ourselves up about it and try to force the thoughts out of our heads.
For me, that’s like telling yourself, “try not to think about a polka-dotted elephant.” Then that’s all you can think of. Don’t tell yourself “try not to think about this,” try telling yourself, “I’m having this thought or desire. I accept that without self-judgment. Now I will ask God to keep me on the path he wants me on.”
Guilt can drive us into situations much worse than a fleeting temptation. I think it’s one of the tools the devil uses to get us to screw up. One way to think about this that can help you decipher those feelings is the concept of condemnation vs. conviction. The Holy Spirit does not condemn us, for "there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus," but he is faithful to convict us of sin.
If you’re nearing the gap dividing a simple desire, thought or temptation from an emotional affair, physical affair, or indulgence of fantasy for someone you don’t want to be fantasizing about, just step back. Maybe you’re in the gap already or have crossed it. It’s not too late to back away.
I’ve read a few interpretations of Matthew 5:28, and I don’t know what’s right, but one minister wrote that he thinks Jesus meant that we shouldn’t look at someone with the intention of being turned on by them. Like going to a strip club or looking up porn online. Those are decisions we have control over.
But sometimes we can feel out of control. As the daughter of a recovering alcoholic, I have seen the power of addiction. No one should feel enslaved to a desire or action or object or substance or person. You probably realize that this addiction isn’t serving God. But it’s not even serving you! So who is it good for? If you do feel enslaved to something destructive, don’t hide in shame and beat yourself up. That will make it worse.
That’s why we have each other! Seriously. Talk to someone. Bring these things into the light through confession both to Christ and one another. Pastor Clay says, "We are easily deceived when then remain isolated in the dark. Even a bad lie we can believe if we're only listening to the lie and not other Godly people around us."
We all know we’re sick of fake Christians. So let’s be real with one another. We’re not characters in a 1950s sitcom. We’re struggling humans trying to figure out how to get by in a depraved world.
Here is a free resource for people struggling to overcome destructive habits or addictions or desires. Check it out if you feel enslaved to anything in your life. http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/
Most importantly, talk to someone. If you don’t have anyone, come to grassROOTS in downtown Colorado Springs at the City Auditorium’s Lon Chaney Theatre at 10:30 a.m. Sundays. There will be no judgment there.